I am taking break from writing business proposals and SEO blog articles to mentally divert my brain, watch Bravo, and drink a shit ton of Diet Coke to keep me awake. I have literally been working since 7am, while trying to placate a baby who doesn’t have her Momma’s full attention today (a lot of Disney + and iPad, what can I do?)
Don’t get me wrong. I am super super happy work has picked up. If 1 or 2 of these proposals, or the job I am interviewing for on Wednesday, come through – I will be in a really nice financial situation within a couple of months. Which will lift a huge weight off my shoulders. And, will allow me to hire a part time nanny to play with Peej while I have to be working (which worked super well for us in LA, Sahar was a lifesaver, but we haven’t had a Sahar here in Chicago – as the reason for coming to Chicago was so I could be a SAHM. Now I’m a SAHWM -it’s a thing- and I could use some help.)
But, today has been crazy. Yesterday and Saturday were crazy, too. Worked alllll day both days. But, what are days? Every day is quarenday.
Frankly, this whole week is going to be crazy. With the 4th of July (who knows what the F that will look like) and British Ex Husband’s schedule being changed I have to fit all my work (except these business proposals that have to be done by EOD today) into Wednesday and Thursday.
I do have another socially distanced date -with whom I will refer to as “Tall Drink of Water” – to look forward to on Friday evening.
And, Hamilton drops on Disney + on Friday, so there’s that, too.
Oh, and I’m getting my first haircut in 4 months on Thursday, that’s really exciting.
Then on Sunday I’m taking Peej to my cousin’s house in Crystal Lake to play in the splash pad she and her husband got for her and to hang out with them and my Aunt (the thing I’m most looking forward to, as I have missed my family for the last 4 months. Like, extremely.)
So it’s not like this week will suck. The opposite, actually.
It’s just crazy busy on this particular day and I’m tired and I still have a lot of work to do (including cleaning, and making dinner.) Plus, it’s hot and humid up here in our 3rd floor un-air conditioned apartment. Max the dog looks like a limp noodle lying on my bed as close as possible to my pillow to stay out of the sun. Peej wanted to sit on my lap all morning and when I was able to let her she was like a sticky toffy candy. Not even a cold shower helped with the heat, as soon as I was dry and had clothes back on, I was icky sticky.
My general disposition in the last month has been “meh.” People are used to me being a sunny optimist, I think my meh-ness is throwing them for a loop. My biological father (Hi, Dad! Thanks for reading!) called me yesterday to make sure I was okay, as he thought my blog posts sounded darker and more depressed than normal. I told him if I was in trouble that I wouldn’t even pick up the phone if he called me. I’d be in a blanket fort with Downton Abbey. I’m okay, for sure. Just overwhelmed at the moment.
It goes back a graphic I posted on an earlier blog post, “It’s okay not to be your most productive during a fucking global pandemic.”
I’d amend that to say “It’s okay not to be your most cheerful productive self during a pandemic, civil unrest, and a divorce.”
It’s okay to be tired and overwhelmed.
There is a lot to unpack in the world these days. And, all the things that we normally program into our lives to reward ourselves for working really hard are being taken away because of COVID. Vacations, hanging out with friends in groups more than 10/without masks, going out to dinner, smooching someone new, going to the beach, baseball… gone.
When this pandemic first started I was like everyone else — optimistic, I was going to have so much time, be so productive, make my family life better. I had projects, upon projects, upon projects planned.
And, like everyone else I have slowly dissolved into my couch, wearing PJs for more than 3 days in a row, infrequently showering, ordering from GrubHub, eating too many carbs, and binge watching reality TV.
I can hear the baby in the other room. She’s nap avoidant recently. I have to give her the iPad and hope that she falls asleep watching it. More often than not she doesn’t and ends up a crank monster at dinner time. We have started putting the iPad on a timer at night, but it doesn’t seem to work during nap time.
This is the crux of my issues for the past few weeks: I have a lot of work coming in, I’m not yet at the place where I can afford to hire a part-time nanny, yet I still need to get this work done so that I can eventually be at a place to do that. So I suffer, trying to split my attention between what I want to be doing (playing with my daughter,) and what I need to be doing (working.) Peej suffers because her needs are not being met in the way she expects them to be (that Momma is available at all times for her entertainment and care.) And, British Ex Husband suffers because he goes to work at 6am and comes home at 3pm and is expected to step in as parent and do dinner, bath time, bed. (Which to be honest, is NOT the hardest part of the day, nap time for sure is the hardest part of the day. Just sayin’…)
I sure as hell wouldn’t fight it if someone gave me the opportunity to lay down and sleep for two hours in the middle of the day.
I’ll remind her of this when she is older and complaining about how tired she is.
“Well, dear” I’ll say, “You should have taken the opportunity to get ahead on your sleep with all those naps we tried to get you to take when you were a toddler.”
No rest for the wicked, ergo Peej and I are both the debbil. Meh.
Something odd happened the other day. I sensed jealousy in British Ex Husband when I told him I was going on another date with Tall Drink of Water.
This from the guy who doesn’t love me, and never loved me… strange.
It’s not like these are actual dates. Basically, we meet up somewhere on the Lakefront Trail and take a walk (with masks on, 6′ apart from each other.) It’s hard to tell if there is any chemistry with this type of dating. I mean, surely, British Ex Husband doesn’t think we’re making out or otherwise. I’m not that kind of girl (anymore) and I don’t want to risk getting COVID. He should have zero reason to be jealous… you know, aside from the fact that HE IS THE ONE WHO WANTS TO GET DIVORCED.
I better get back to work. Lots to do, lots to do.
Oh, one last thing… I looked at my backend analytics on Facebook posts from my professional page yesterday. I have super awesome engagement numbers… but, it seems like all the engagement is happening on my post that someone else has shared.
Which means you guys are still watching.
Honestly, I laughed my face off at that.
Now, really, back to work.