This Is 45: New Beginnings

When I started this blog in 2016, the idea was for me to get back into the writing groove after an extended writer’s block following the death of my daughter, Maddie.

Obviously, that went SO extremely well that I abandoned the project immediately after I started it.

Three years later: Live has changed so drastically for me that it’s sometimes hard to comprehend the person I was previously. Married, sad, very bothered about politics and people being mean on the Internet… definitely not living my best life.

These days, I’m not sure that I’m living my best life, still – but, I am absolutely closer to it. For starters, in 2017 #BritishHusband and I decided to make a move… literally across the country. The contending cities were both where my best friends (Meows and Molly, respectively,) live. That meant New York and LA. As I am a lover of sunshine, and generally hate New York since living there for six weeks in the late 90s, we chose to uproot and trek with ourselves, our stuff, and our dogs cross country to Hollyweird. For me, it seemed a great choice: I had lots of friends and family in the greater LA area, it was obviously a place where I could get work both as a writer and in communications, and beach! I also figured that #BritishHusband would be able to pursue his comedy dreams and also find some kind of meaningful work.

We landed here in August of 2017 and I was happy. I did things, I saw people (something that I had not been doing in Chicago,) I spent time with my niece and nephew, I got a tan. I did not know or recognize that #BritishHusband wasn’t having such a grand time. He soldiered on for me, because I wanted to be in LA, but he was becoming increasingly frustrated with how expensive things are, and was feeling pretty useless and unhappy. Not to mention, it cost us a ton of money to move across the country and establish ourselves in LA… so now we were close to broke, too. Anyone who has been here knows that to really have a good time in LA you gotta have the chedda. This, of course, caused contention and strife in our marriage… which we were working on, but little did we know the biggest life change either of us had ever faced was about to hit us.

After trying for years and having miscarriage-after-miscarriage, one night, shortly after my birthday I became pregnant. All through 2018 we waited on bated breath to see if my pregnancy would be viable and I would give birth to a healthy baby… Then on August 7,2019, after WEEKS of being in and out of the hospital with premature labor issues, I gave birth to a little girl… Lil’ P.

Like that, our whole worlds were turned upside down as we, at ages 40 and 44, respectively, became parents of a newborn, living, human baby. I calculated shortly after I found out I was pregnant that I would be 63 when this child graduated from high school. Being an older parent is a challenge, not that being a younger parent isn’t, but being 45 and the mother of an active 10 month old presents it’s own unique obstacles.

For instance, you’ve spent the last 45 years only having to be accountable to yourself, (possibly your parents, work, or a spouse,) then all the sudden there is this little squalling bundle of happiness who doesn’t care that you need to sleep or haven’t showered in three days… they want your attention and they want it NOW! Having gone so long without having to be accountable to anyone on a daily basis, it is extremely hard to keep up for the 45 year old, first time Mommie. (Daddy, too.)

Like with all things, we adjusted. I became happier and happier. I took a part-time job (on top of my full time job) as a property manager so I could take away one of the pain points of LA for #BritishHusband… expensive AF rent. I bonded with my daughter, made new friends in Mommy and Me, strengthened my bond with old friends, and watched as my little peanut grew and flourished in the California sunshine.

Then all the sudden, out of the blue, I thought “I should start writing again.” I went back and read some of my old work for Broke Ass Stuart and was like “damn, I’m funny!” And, then I remembered I had a blog that I paid for but never, ever wrote on…

This brings us to this post. I am back. And, I’m about to start some shit. I’m going to be blogging about my experience being a 45 year old Mom, I’m bringing back my column “Ask A Grownup,” and I’m probably going to be doing some sponsored content, too. I am at the age where I give no fucks and my skin is like teflon. Come at me bro! If you have ideas for content you’d like to see from me, hit me up in comments or Tweet me @adorkablegrrl.

Later skaters!

1 thought on “This Is 45: New Beginnings

  1. Heather

    Love love! This is exactly how I feel. You couldn’t have written it better. You are so creative! I felt every emotion as I read it. Can’t wait for more.


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